Pura Vida

I woke up this morning before my alarm. Both dogs were curled up next to my legs, underneath the blanket. Landyn’s arm was draped across me. And the first thing I felt was grateful for my life.

I got up, tip-toed around the stuffed suitcases and piles of clothes still waiting to be loaded, threw in our last load of laundry, and made some coffee.

I wandered around the apartment for a minute, trying to decide what task I should cross off the list next. But it was a beautiful morning–the stifling humidity lifted, and our Central Valley breeze was back.

So I took my coffee cup outside, sat in the chair with the gorgeous mountain view, and took my first sip while the dogs arranged themselves on my lap.

30 seconds of that sun-on-my-skin feeling combined with the breeze lightly blowing my hair back and I lost it.

Like, lost it. Tears, tears, and more tears.

The anxiety bubble in my chest and the knot in my stomach, frozen there for the past few days, started to thaw. It was a release, an acknowledgment, finally, of how profoundly sad I am to leave tomorrow.

After 43 applications, and a surprising turn of events, Landyn’s internship is landing us right back in Milwaukee. I think. Still waiting to hear back from a couple of his final interviews, but we’re 95% sure we’ll be back in MKE for the summer. We weighed the pros and cons of every offer he received, and ultimately decided that we both needed to work and save money for the trips we want to take in Fall, and the most efficient way to do that was to move back to Wisco.

The last week I’ve bounced between denial and talking myself into feeling excited about getting back to a life of conveniences.

Hey, we’ll have air conditioning again.

No more being at the mercy of public transportation or walking everywhere. 

It’ll be nice not to find lizard poop around the house and have a break from the bugs. 

And I am excited. I’m excited to go to Orlando this weekend for a huge cheerleading competition and be reunited with the coaching staff and my kids. I’m excited to see my family, especially the ones I haven’t seen since we left. I’m excited to see my friends. I’m excited to have a Dunkin Donuts caramel iced coffee with cream and sugar, half decaf half regular.

But down here I drink my coffee black. Will I even like that sugary, syrupy shit anymore?

I guess that’s kind of my fear about the whole thing. I came down here a very different person. This incredible place has made me more mindful, more aware, and more myself than I’ve ever been. It has facilitated what feels like my coming-of-age story.

What if it’s just Costa Rica, what if I can’t transplant this fabulous, anti-anxiety Cari back to Milwaukee? What if I start to disappear, to fade into the background of Targets and strip malls and four-lane freeways and the flat-as-a-flapjack landscape? I see toucans in my yard here…I can’t go back to brown birds now.

People in the U.S. tend to wear stress like a badge of honor. They brag about it, comparing who has more stress and why, almost as if feeling fried all the time is something to be proud of–like they’re accomplishing something by burning themselves out; I used to be one of them. But now I can’t imagine ever going back to that mindset, that lifestyle. It’s possible to move forward, to make progress, without overworking yourself. There’s nothing heroic about regularly pushing yourself to the brink of a mental breakdown.

So maybe I won’t really fit in anymore. Maybe I will. Maybe I’ll be relieved to touch down on U.S. soil. Maybe I’ll start bawling again.

All I know is that this is the best decision Landyn and I have ever made. We have flourished mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally. We are so genuinely happy here. Costa Rica has given both of us a newfound appreciation for life and the affirmation that it truly is all about the little things.

This feels like home. So what will home feel like?

And it’s weird because we’re coming back. So it’s not really goodbye, but it’s still breaking my heart. I can’t imagine saying “see you in August” to our little puppers tomorrow. I can’t imagine saying “see you in August” to our apartment. I can’t imagine not seeing the beautiful mountains again until August.

But I think about how much we’ve relished exploring Costa Rica, and it motivates me to come home and work towards our next destinations: Belize, Guatemala, Panama, Cuba. And we have yet to explore the Carribean side of Costa Rica!

Our work here is far from over. And as much as I worry that I won’t be able to take my Pura Vida attitude home with me, in my core I also know that my transformation down here was a permanent, pivotal shift. My best me will transcend borders and boundaries.

I’m depressed to leave, excited to see my people again, and confused as to where home really is.

This has all the makings of a great story.

Until next time, friends.